a dream, aloud.

18
Oct

It’s hard to say where I have gotten to lately.

I’ve been passing the time.
Passing the time but when I get a moment of distance I realise I have morphed.
I don’t know how I changed so much.
I don’t know how I’ve lost sight of me, or why.
It might have been to please him, to suit.
What I know at the moment is that when I’m with him I’m not me.
I become the version of me he wants me to be.
I act out his type of jokes and morals and ethics.
Even though sometimes they’re really far from mine.

I haven’t forgiven.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to.

1
Jun

15
May

28 Days Later

Haven’t seen you in a month now.
I wonder what you get up to, whats new, what do you do when my brothers seeing the gf?
Are you still going dancing on Mondays?
How is your back doing?
Has your mum bought a house?
Where is it?
When are you guys moving in?
How is work going?
Is Mark officially at the front with you now?
What went through your head after the first week of no contact?
What is your true contention since I seem to be oblivious to it?
What is the real reason you chose him over me?
Why did you, anyway? Never really got that one.
Do you bond with him better?
Is it because he doesn’t represent commitment in your head?
You’d rather feel used then any kind of responsibility?
Have you completed shut the thought of us together out now?
Are you getting off to porn twice a day and not even thinking of a relationship?
Do you have any questions for me?
I guess you think the ball is in my court now if anything.
But its been far too long now.
I don’t know if I’d contact you for any reason now.
I wish I had headlines, news stories about whats going on with you.
Just by reading your horoscope I feel like I’m getting an update, I feel a bit better.

What an utter waste of time that was.

11
May

Day #22 - The walk of shame…

who knew it’d be so draining pretending you don’t miss someone.
pretending they didn’t take something from you.

today i really wanted to pretend I hadn’t found the present for my mom.

I wanted to pretend that because it would give me a reason to go to Rickys house and drop off $50.
I feel stupid admitting that. But its true, and I have to say it.
I wanted to drop off the $50 because I wanted to see David that bad.
I was pretty much willing to pay $50 to see him.

I’m proud that I didn’t do it.
I stuck to my guns, not sure how I did, at one point I was convinced I was going to do it.

I don’t know how I’ve dropped so low in the past few days.
I almost thought I was going to cry in the car on the way back from Ashlee’s.

I don’t know why I feel so hollow, I know he’s an asshole, I just want affection. :(

10
May

30
Apr

Day #15 - Tourettes comes to mind.

Can you believe.
Today is Day 15.
Not only was yesterday the mark of two weeks NC.
But today David messaged me.

There was no big explanation, no massive apology, just a one liner.

“Up for a friendly breakfast”

No question mark, no long message, no miss you.
That’s how much he respects me, LOL.

Deleted the message after 10 minutes because:

a) I don’t want his number in my inbox.
b) I don’t want to be tempted to reply back.
c) It pissed me off and I didn’t want to look at it 50 times.

The last two days have been really stressful.
I’ve left work before 5pm because I don’t think I should even bother to stay.

Yesterday I also found out that Bill Simmons the CabinetMaker attended the football.
I know George told me on purpose.
I can now confirm in my mind that Gemini’s are the most manipulative bastard star signs in the world.

My options now are:

a) Find another job.
b) Confront Frank, and then find another job.
c) Stay where I am and fall into manic depression.

I shouldn’t be treated this way.
By anyone.

work

28
Apr

26
Apr

Day #11

I’m surprised that it didn’t get easier, although I do think the holidays have made me a bit more emotional.
I thought I wouldn’t care going to family things without him, being the one that isn’t a couple for once.

I guess I did care but refused to acknowledge it.
I haven’t changed my mind.
I simply have to fast forward what happens to reject the idea.
I know he is not what I’m looking for, but I miss him.
I don’t even like saying I miss him because I don’t miss anything about him, I miss a relationship.

But I know diving into a relationship now would be creating an avalanche of bad ones.
I’d rather deal with being on my own than that.
I guess all that needs to happen is I need to reclaim, get back to myself, pull my puzzle pieces back together after using them to surround someone else.

Its upsetting to know that when I lay down and let my feelings rush to the surface I still cry, I still feel pain, I still think I will never find someone else, I still feel not good enough, I still feel betrayed, I still don’t understand how someone could want to hurt me so much.

I love how I think I’m the only person that can really deal with being alone.
Is it almost foolish to say such a thing?
Is it better to say you enjoy people’s company?
I’m not sure of either.
What I do know is that if anyone would really be alright living completely alone, there wouldn’t be 6 billion of us.

Looking back even two paragraphs now I’m amazed at myself.
I didn’t think it would be this hard?
I didn’t think I’d feel pain?
No matter who the other side of the equation is, you are still mourning a loss, you still have to accept someone is exiting your life for what is possibly forever.
Of course it will take time to adjust to that, and it is completely understandable that people want to replace.

People that say you fear feeling the pain so much but then when you get there, you see its not that bad.
I don’t know how many people say that, but I know I’ve heard it over and over.

It’s absolute bollocks.

I don’t know if they said it in a moment when they were in an extremely positive mood.
But when there is pain, and you let it surface, it is exactly as bad as you thought it would be, if not fucking worse.
The positive thing about a break up is that the person is not dead.
Because its someone you shared something so unique and intense with, rejecting you, shutting you out, willingly.
They take one good look at you and decide this isn’t for them.
At least if they died you could idolise them, you could think of how infinitely they loved you and all that bollocks.
With break ups its right in your face.
If you get lost in the side notes, you end up thinking you’re the problem, you’re not good enough.

Truth is you’re not the problem, and you are good enough.
Just not for that person.

From there all I can do is start accepting that I will not know where they move to.
I will not know if he changes jobs.
If his back gets better.
If he goes back to dancing, if he gives up, if he stops smoking weed, if he buys his own place, if his mum gets married.

Do I wish him the best?
I’d like to play fairies and say yes, but I don’t know.
I still have repressed anger that I’m well aware of.
In fact I should box so I don’t grow a cancer or something.

break ups

25
Apr

Day #10

I guess I still want it to work out.
I don’t know how, I want him to change, to be who I want and need him to.
Its hard to accept thats not going to happen after investing so much into this.
So much time.

I have to start taking responsibility for this.
I can’t face off all the blame to him.
I have to understand responsibility.
I have to accept what this is right now.
I am still me.
This is still my life.

Its not my fault it didn’t work out.
Its no ones fault it didn’t work out.
It just didn’t.
Sometimes that happens.

24
Apr